She’s got the whole dark forest living inside of her.

Morticia Addams meets the forest. That’s your mama. So who will you be, my baby? I won’t have to wait much longer to find out. In less than three weeks time, I get to meet this new little soul. I feel myself slowing down these days, trying to conserve as much energy as possible for a safe delivery. I don’t have any crazy expectations this time around, but I know I want the experience to feel as calm and peaceful as possible.

Part of me can’t believe I’m going to birth a daughter. It’s such a loaded feeling. My own experience as a daughter wasn’t always peachy keen, you know? I was so different from them, and I never really felt understood. I’ve always had such a vast internal landscape, and with that, an intense desire to share my inner truths and feelings. But it was never really safe to do so. Growing up in a home rife with substance abuse and chaos, I felt unheard a lot of the time. Like I didn’t have a voice. This absence of validation transformed into a nagging feeling I’ve carried my entire life that maybe my feelings, thoughts, and ideas were unworthy of attention. Like maybe I’m too much. It’s been something I’ve had to slowly unpack over the years - a collection of inbuilt beliefs and unhealthy patterns that impact me even today… not only as an adult daughter, but as a partner and a mother.

I don’t want either of my daughters to feel the need to shrink or be deferential. I want them to know they live in a home with people who value their thoughts, feelings, and uniqueness. I want them to inherently know their worth so that they can immediately recognize when they’re being treated as lesser than. I want them to trust themselves and avoid internalizing blame and shame. And mostly, I want them to ferociously own all parts of themselves. The light and the dark. It all serves a purpose. It’s all fucking beautiful. I wish someone had told me that from the start.

Come hell or high water, I’ll make sure this little girl knows.