Living with the Everyday Sunday Scaries

White knuckling it through life over here, hbu? Apologies I haven't had much content to share, but right now, I'm struggling to even stay above water. Losing my dad has been the gut-punch that I wasn't ready for, and I am struggling to let myself fully feel the pain, anguish, and regret that comes along with grieving the complicated relationship I had with him. I suppose it's self-preservation, but I just can't let it happen right now.

Every day feels hard. If it weren't for my kids, I probably wouldn't be much inclined to get out of bed, to be honest. The last time I remember being genuinely happy in the past week was on my daughter's first birthday when I was pushing her on the swing at the park. She was giggling and letting out little squeals of joy, and I was in it with her, you know? I wish I could say I've had more of those moments lately, but I haven't, and that's not for lack of trying. I just... I'm really struggling with anxiety since my dad died, and yet anxiety feels better than complete and total sorrow. It's the beast I know. All in all, I guess you could say I'm not coping very well, and I'm not able to fully grieve or address the gut-wrenching pain of it, simply because I have to parent, and I have to be strong right now.

That doesn't mean I don't feel it. I just have to stay a bit more numb than usual or I'll completely break.

Rest-assured, I'll find my way again. I'll let myself process and feel and I'll hold myself through. I just need to get through November first.