October Gratitude List – Even When it Hurts, You Must Look Upon the Sun

As you may have noticed, I haven't been here much lately. On October 9th, my dad died unexpectedly, and losing him has completely shaken up my entire world. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I live in a world he's no longer part of, at least in the tangible sense, and that my baby daughter won't have any memories of him. If I'm being honest, it's really fucked me up.

It hurts so bad. But here I am, a mother, and I have three kids to raise. I can't let myself be taken down by grief. As much as I hate getting out of bed these days, they give me a reason to keep going.

So I guess with that, I have to find the glimmers of good in a month filled with so much grief. October hasn't been an easy month for. me for a long time. Before losing my dad, I lost my grandma in October 2023. We were very close. And 19 years ago this month, my eldest brother was beaten to death. I know it's only a matter of coincidence that three significant people in my life have died in October, but I wouldn't mind if this month was wiped from the calendar entirely.

I am grateful for my Dad. He was a good man, his flaws not withstanding. He could be rough and gruff, but just below the surface, he was tender. No matter how tumultuous our family life was when I was young, I felt safe with him, because he was really just a big squish who worked incredibly hard, loved his kids and wanted us to lead good lives. Even though things became complicated between us over the years that followed, I always knew he loved me, and he adored his grand-kids. I wish he had more time, and I'll do everything to make sure that our relationship continues in its own way now that he's gone. I don't know what that looks like right now, and it hurts to think about, but I can still hold him close even though he's not physically here with me.

Rest easy, Daddy. I will make you proud and I will hold all the good parts of you inside of me. And whatever else may come, I'm going to get through it. I always do.

I am grateful for the community of people I know that have reached out and given me support over the past two weeks. It's helped so much. I have a hard time reaching out myself, but to feel so loved and thought of by the people in my life who truly care has meant a lot. Loss is the universal equalizer, and I have had so many tender conversations with friends and family who've gone through it themselves and can sit with me in my grief.

I am grateful for my husband, and my kids, and my family. They're keeping me grounded and carrying me through this profoundly sad time. I have my baby's first birthday to plan, and as difficult as it may be to keep a smile on my face through it, all I have to do is revel in her joy and one year of her existence to remember how lucky I am.

I am grateful to say that my husband had his vasectomy procedure this month and now we have officially completed our family.

I am grateful for the breaths I breathe as I type these words. In and out, and in and out...

That's all we have.