Updated: Apr 16, 2024
Have you ever strayed from the only path you've ever known, only to find more than you could ever hope for? It happened to me once in a dream. I was hopelessly lost in the wilderness. Tired and weary from being held so high on a pedestal, I wandered aimlessly through the forest with nothing but an unheard voice, an unsettled mind, and an unmoored heart. I'd become disillusioned by the modern world: the inauthenticity, the way women are expected to 'have it all', and be it all, how we reach for high expectations while swimming in shallow waters. I was tired of feeling unseen, disoriented amid the undergrowth.
But before I could give up and leave myself at the mercy of the forest, I found myself drawn to an old oak tree. It looked as if the sun hadn't touched it in some time. At its base was an inviting little hollow. I knew then that I had found a sanctuary. It was the safe haven I had unconsciously been searching for, but never thought I would find. I went inside, and magic and wisdom enveloped me. I felt known there; held in a sacred womb-space. It was warm and buzzing. I fed squirrels, and listened as uncaged birds sang peaceful songs in unison. It was something special. I had found my creative muse curled up inside its intimate chamber. I felt loved for all my imperfections. Fuck pedestals, when I was there I was levitating.
I ended up staying there a long time. Longer than I was welcome. I sensed the tree didn't want me around anymore, and when it whispered at me to leave, I just couldn't let the little hollow go. I was being selfish, but deep down, I knew if I walked away, I would never see it again. I was afraid of who I would be without it.
It held a piece of me I feared I would never be able to find; something I could never recreate. And yet, as much as I wanted to stay present and open to the fairytale I'd found, I knew in my heart it was all just a beautiful dream.
Eventually I woke up, ultimately discovering that this is all it will ever be.
It's cringy to admit, but sometimes that silly dream still nags at me. Maybe because I know I'll never have it again. It felt so pure and real. But I still question whether it actually happened to me, or if it was just something illusory.
Somehow, it reverberates all the same.