Voyeurs

You really shouldn’t be here, even though I kind of like it that you are.

It’s like you're standing in my bedroom, opening up my underwear drawers, and carefully running your hands over the fancy European bras, lacy thongs, and goth-inspired lingerie. You don't take any souvenirs. You're not that fucking bold. You just linger.

If you really looked inside my head, you might hate it here too. You might hate me. I try my best to be a good person, but I’m not all that likeable sometimes. Sometimes I wish there was an assassin in my head, because I’d put hits out on my thoughts just to be able to live in peace.

People really do that you know. They jerk off to your deepest thoughts. They peek in your windows just to get a glimpse of the life buzzing inside. The mopey dog eating at his bowl. The carefully prepared plates of organic greens and grass-fed beef being served to the charming, ungrateful children who have the audacity to sputter, "I'm full" before asking for dessert. The catalogued run downs of everyone's days mixed in between playful teasing and nuggets of wisdom lost in the minutia. The mom and the dad making eyes across the table in a game of no-contact foreplay, because if they don’t do it now, it won't happen later.

For a brief moment, the voyeur might feel jealous, or perhaps even contemptuous about their own life. They might wish that they could trade places with the subject(s), or maybe that they could get in even closer. But maybe this is the only way they can access the subject in a way that feels safe.

But it's just a snippet, you know. The small fragment that you're seeing is not everything. It can never truly be the real thing. And it doesn't help you fully live your actual life. My life is no more interesting than yours. I just might pick it apart more. I’m a voyeur too, except I tend to do it in real life the most. I look deeply into the lives of others. I pay attention to the lulls in conversation, the unsaid words, the patterns and the particulars. Fuck, I love the patterns.

I’ve done this before too, but I had different motivations. I was lonely I guess. But maybe we all are. It’s an easy thing to be in a world like this. In any case, I hope you feel less alone here. I hope you know that I see you, even though there’s no window for me. I see you right back.