2023, the year of reclamation

If I'm glowing, it's because I've been thinking about the year I had. The wins and the losses. As a constant worrier who ruminates on almost everything, I'm shocked at how far I've come internally. Part of that involved ditching hormonal birth control. I was on it from March 2022 to April 2023, and it made me a little cuckoo, to be frank. I'm already mercurial and frighteningly astute to the reverberations of the world, so I don't need anything else impacting my moods. I wish men had to take it. They'd be crying all the time.

The other thing that helped? Probably finishing school (which was a personal doomspace by the end), consciously working on my marriage, choosing intentionally to slow life down, putting up boundaries, and regaining confidence in my worth and abilities. I pushed through, sat with my ugly broken parts, and did tons of inner work this year. I had to. I was a fucking mess from the shitstorm of 2022 alone. This growth now shows up in beautiful ways. For example, these are the things that I no longer spend that much time worrying about:

1. Getting a great post-college job.  I remember being scared shitless to make the leap from youth work to doing anything else because I was good at what I did before. Then there's the lofty goal I had (have?) of wanting to make meaningful changes in this world. But I also know I have to start somewhere. So I'm okay with where I'm at these days. It's an easy commute, I make $52 an hour, and I help people. This combination was something I never thought was possible for me. It wasn't even on my radar. I'm a helping professional, for crying out loud. For the first time in years, I got to be the breadwinner when my husband was on strike this summer. And now, I can work a few days a week and still be there for my kids. I've never chosen careers based on how much money I'd make, that's always come secondary to feeling passionate about what I'm doing and improving people‘s lives. But in the harsh economic times we live in, it's a bonus. If it's weird that I post my hourly wage on here, I strongly believe that the etiquette we've come to accept as the norm around not disclosing income so as "not to brag" is the reason why people don't think they deserve to be making more. Companies love this secrecy. Employees never really know their worth - this is especially true for women. My wage doesn't reflect my-self worth, and I'm grateful. But I also know the care I put into my job when I'm there. I wish everyone made a bomb ass living wage.

2. Grad school. I really thought I wanted to go sooner than later, but it turns out that I'm not really ready to give up my family time just yet. I don't need a Masters. I just want one. I'm an erudite person and I will never stop learning and growing, whether or not that's through formal education or some other avenue. My dream is to attend the University of Edinburgh and take the Narrative Futures Masters program online. Whether I'm 38 or 50 by the time I'm doing it, it's all good.

3. The constant ping pong in my brain that asks whether I'm likeable enough, good enough or smart enough to do X,Y,Z. There's always going to be someone ahead of me in the race. I don't need to compete, and I don't need to shrink because of it. I'm finally submitting my writing. I can do it for the joy of it. If someone actually reads what I've written, even better.

4. Having another baby. This was once a huge worry because I give so much to the kids I already have. Can I do it again? This world we live in is scary. But I think I'm ready.

5. Getting older and losing what makes me me. My intelligence, my beauty, my energy and fire. Obviously, people decline physically and mentally with age and lose their spark. I don't want that to be me. Not yet, at least. But for some reason, I just feel better about growing older. I feel like I'll be more focused on the things that truly matter.

So that's why I'm lit up these days. What about you?