09/24 - Dreams are unlocked doors

I like dreaming. There's no wrong way to be in a dream. The possibilities are rather endless, don't you think? You can buck social conventions. You can tell terrible people to fuck off and you can fly through portals to other dimensions or belt out 8 octaves to a starry-eyed crowd of thousands. You can do shit you'd never do. Hell, you can have freaky sex romps with socially conscious celebrities who'd never look at you in real life, and there's no guilt at all. You can show up to your kid's school naked without consequences or fear of embarrassment. Sure, you might feel a little off when you notice that a few people are staring, but it's kind of freeing, innit?

In my dreams I don't fit in and that's fine. I don't need to be so on all the time. I don't have to look like this. So glowy and expensive. This proud mother of a prodigy who's ready to walk through a crowd and have 500 sets of eyes on her at any moment. This woman who dutifully and faithfully scrapes her tongue every morning after a routine cup of coffee and a strictly measured portion of low cal peach yogurt. This woman who masks long-held grief and the gripping pull of anxiety behind intellectual prowess, quick wit, and a pretty painted on smile.

In my dreams, I can raise my kids without the weird rules that adults decide upon to make them fall in line. I don't need to be on my phone showing everyone how my life is great and look how beautiful I still am after 30 and let them silently think isn't it just a wonder she hasn't had to fuck with her face because all our parents looked like hell after 29. In my dreams there's no currency, and I never dream about buying anything to keep up with everyone else. There's no FOMO in the sleepy space. In my dreams, I can handle another child without worrying how such a development would impact me, my relationship, my children and the greater world. In my dreams, I'm lighter.

And in my dreams, the people I've loved who've long gone come back to me, if only for a brief and tender moment. Every so often, I sit on the beach with my brother and hold his calloused hand. He smiles that impish smile, and the two of us catch up and drink beers until sunrise. We never got to do that when he was earth side, mostly because I was both an unwavering individualist and a prude. I never had the urge to do what others did just because they were doing it. And since both of my brothers struggled so much, I considered it my duty to be the kid my parents never worried about. And so I made myself smart and pretty and utterly invisible, and this worked well for everyone. This was the unspoken arrangement of my life.

In my dreams, my world is a bit more fluid. And I don't lose anything good that I already have. I'm even a bit of a baddie, as the kids say. Somewhere in my dreams, you'll find me fully nude, smoking a spliff at the edge of the dock of the cabin where I grew up. And that suits me just fine.

Dreams are unlocked doors.